How To Have A Politically Correct Easter

Originally published by Communities @ Washington Times

SAN DIEGO, March 29, 2013 ? Heritage Elementary School in Madison, Alabama doesn’t have a problem with school-sponsored Easter egg hunts, as long as the word “Easter” is not actually used.

For quite a while, our country has seen public schools omit any reference to the Christmas holiday, even when taking two weeks off for this very same holiday. Christmas parties and concerts have been renamed “Holiday Concerts” or “Winter Carnivals.”

It was only a matter of time before Easter caught up. These past few years, seemingly harmless Easter egg hunts, making no reference to Christ whatsoever, are finding themselves under a new microscope. Not wanting to be left behind, Heritage’s smiling principle Lydia Davenport explains her reasoning: “Kids love the bunny, and we just make sure we don’t say ‘the Easter bunny’ so that we don’t infringe on the rights of others, because people relate the Easter bunny to religion. A bunny is a bunny and a rabbit is a rabbit.”

Of course there are other schools which simply do not bother with Easter egg hunts at all. That way, they don’t have to worry about the word “Easter” accidentally spilling out of somebody’s mouth.

Many will wonder what the big deal is, especially while trying to figure out how to explain the complexities of a religious holiday to children who simply want to have fun. In that vein, Forbidden Table Talk offers a special Easter present: The friendly lecture below would be suitable for any teacher in any class room:

Hey boys and girls! Looking forward to an Easter egg hunt this year? Well have fun.

But be sure you’re considerate of other people’s feelings. And that means no public Easter egg hunt! Nothing at school! Nothing at parks or playgrounds! But don’t worry. Mommy and Daddy will hide them at home for you. Mommy and Daddy think it’s fun to have hidden, colored eggs all over the house!

You see, Easter offends some of your little playmates at school. I know they don’t seem to mind Easter egg hunts, but believe me, they really are offended, because some of their parents are telling them how offended they are, and boys and girls know that their parents are always right.

You see, we live in a country where religion isn’t supposed to be mentioned in public and Easter is a religious holiday. It’s about Jesus. Jesus Christ was a nice man but people aren’t allowed to say his name too loudly outside unless they say it accidentally when they stub their toe or when they are angry. Then it’s OK to say “Jesus Christ” outside.

Now some of you are thinking, “I don’t believe in Jesus. And what does Jesus have to do with the Easter Bunny anyway?”

Well, not much. And that’s why for years people didn’t mind the bunny. But now days, people are smarter. They finally figured out that the Easter Bunny and Jesus are part of the same holiday. And that’s not good! Because if everybody saw that bunny and his basket of cute, colored eggs, that would violate their civil liberties. Do you know what a civil liberty is? Civil liberty is the right to not have to look at that bad basket of big, beautiful eggs. And if we don’t allow this civil liberty, it will force people to believe in the Easter Bunny against their will! And if they still don’t want to believe it, the new Easter Bunny sheriff will move into town and force people to have Easter egg hunts even if they don’t want to! And those who refuse to hunt for eggs will be thrown in jail and then … THEY WILL DIE!

So have your Easter egg hunt at home, only not outside because your neighbors might see you hide those eggs all around your house. And be sure to close your window drapes because otherwise your neighbors might accidentally see some of those Easter decorations while they’re taking their dog for a walk. Dogs do not violate liberties. Bunnies do.

Well, that’s about it, kids. Thank you for listening and now that you’ve agreed to be such courteous boys and girls, have a Happy Easter!