Originally published by Communities @ Washington Times
SAN DIEGO, May 8, 2012 — No political satirist can resist the temptation to make election year predictions. True, some of these predictions are so easy; they could be made by a trained chimpanzee.
Nevertheless, my crystal ball is now out of the attic and dusted off for all to see:
The initial strategy
President Obama will not run against Mitt Romney. He will instead run against George W. Bush. Why not? It worked in 2008 when he ran against Bush rather than McCain. In fact, good ol’ George has been Obama’s default setting ever since he took the oath of office.
The next time people complain about high gas prices, Obama should simply remind us of all the mileage he has gotten off our former president.
Presidential debates
In the debates, every time Romney mentions our bad economy, or the high number of individuals who have given up looking for work, Obama will simply smile and remind “the American people” that he inherited this mess from his predecessor.
This is not to say that Bush will receive credit for everything. When it comes to another inheritance, namely the Bush built intelligence/security apparatus responsible for nailing Osama Bin Laden, there will be precious little discussion about our former Oval Office inhabitant.
On that note, when Romney talks about Obama apologizing for America overseas, Obama will reply by saying, “I got Osama Bin Laden.”
When Romney talks about diplomatic gestures offered toward the Holocaust denier, Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Obama will reply by saying, “I got Osama Bin Laden.”
When Romney expresses concern about a time table announcement for withdrawing troops from Afghanistan, or deals made with the vicious Taliban, Obama will gently remind Romney that he “got Osama Bin Laden.”
Selecting a running mate
Joe Biden’s gaffs are too numerous to list. But even if Obama only remembers the time Biden told Katie Couric about how President Roosevelt went on TV to discuss the stock market crash, he is undoubtedly motivated to jettison this goofy second banana.
Still, amputating Biden from the ticket may call Obama’s 2008 decision making skills into question, so such drastic action will probably not be taken unless Obama drops dangerously low in the polls. Should that happen, watch for a female running mate, maybe Hillary, maybe somebody else.
This way, the myth that Republicans are on a “war against women” can be exploited by offering deliverance from this ominous predicament. The real war against women perpetrated by the Taliban, whom Obama now makes deals with, will be conspicuously omitted.
There is also another benefit to a female running mate: Obama surrogates can suggest more than racism as a reason for not reelecting the president. Sexism charges can join forces and create a double barreled accusation. When reminded about 2008 GOP nominee Sarah Palin, pundits will explain that she did not count as a true woman. She was too conservative, too religious, and well, just too stupid!
Her high approval rating as an Alaska governor will be left out of the conversation.
Campaign rhetoric
Obama will never grow weary of his favorite parable. He will continue to talk about “going forward and not backward” using the “Drive” and “Reverse” settings of cars as an illustration.
Since Democrats are better at quick, mindless, coined phrases than Republicans, we may not hear Mitt offer a matching response such as, “Well, Mr. President, if a car is about to go over a cliff, it might be prudent to put it in reverse just as fast as possible.”
If the election is close but Obama loses…
Watch for Obama’s spokespeople to talk about election fraud. We will hear that African-Americans and Latinos were disenfranchised in many places and not allowed at the voting polls.
If Romney wins by a landslide…
We will hear that the American people were simply not mature enough to handle their first black president. America will be painted as if slave plantations and Jim Crow laws have made a twin comeback.
If Obama wins…
His ‘evolving position’ on same-sex marriage will finally reach fruition. He will now officially endorse the practice. After all, most Latino and African-Americans (many of whom voted for California’s Proposition 8) will have already re-elected him.
There will no longer be a fence to straddle.
Calling Obama a Socialist will not be viewed as “inflammatory rhetoric” anymore. With both elections behind him, we will see the private sector taxed like a mammal being sucked dry by a parasite. Government officials may forget that most parasites cannot survive without leaving the host alive.
Our country will go the way of Greece.
We will still be called “The United States of America”, but that may be the only familiarity.
Update, May 9, 2012: Not long after the publication of this article, President Obama finally came out vocally in support of gay marriage. He qualified his remarks to say it is a matter best left to the states, so he may still be trying to have it both ways.
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