SAN DIEGO, March 14, 2012?By now, it must be glaringly apparent that 2012’s GOP presidential favorite is not going to be crowned any time soon. With that in mind, I will offer some advice to all four contenders; and their mutual rival, President Obama.
Since I am critiquing everybody, I will undoubtedly draw fierce opposition from all directions. In an attempt to minimize the damage, let me say from the outset that I’ll vote for any of the four GOP candidates who win June’s nomination, even Ron Paul. Despite their relative strengths and weakness, each would be light years better than Obama, even Ron Paul. (Yes, I felt the need to say that twice.) Of course, such an appraisal falls slightly below adoration for the esteemed gentlemen. There are many names which sound better than Obama these days, including, Bart Simpson, Yosemite Sam, and Tweety Pie. There! Now I only have the Obama supporters mad at me, with, perhaps, a few Ron Paul supporters sprinkled in.
Senator Santorum: Barack Obama will be challenging enough as a 2012 candidate. Please don’t get off track by taking on John Kennedy at the same time. People liked that guy! As a matter of fact, you’d do well to avoid any tangent. Don’t go chasing after controversy! Leave those fast paced maneuvers to the dog in the Beggin’ Strips commercial.
Governor Romney: It’s time to let go of Romney Care. We understand the distinction you articulate between something mandated by the federal government or the state. We’ve heard the explanation many times. Only one problem: It doesn’t fly! Those who dislike large government do not sleep better at nights simply because the state agency jams its big nose into their business rather than the federal. We realize another flip-flop is the last thing you need, but we’ll make an exception on this one, Governor. FLIP-FLOP ON ROMNEY CARE! Then, point out how you of all people know from experience that this kind of program is fatal to the future of our country.
Speaker Gingrich: I remember years ago, while playing the board game Risk, a mutual agreement was made with my friend Al: We would not attack each other until everyone else was out of the game. Unfortunately, there is no rule in Risk which insists that a player honor his agreements. Al double crossed me. Al attacked me. I felt shocked and betrayed! As a reaction, my strategy shifted immediately. No longer was I playing to win. I was playing to take Al out of the game. Mr. Speaker, nobody can read your mind, but just in case a similar strategy is all you have left; perhaps it’s time to pack it in for the good of the party and the election.
Congressman Paul: Since having a public forum is obviously important to you, consider talk radio or a cable TV show. You do have some good things to say and you deserve to be heard. But please stop trying to accomplish this by running for president each election year when everyone knows your chances of winning are about as good as Sandra Fluke starting a write-in campaign for Rush Limbaugh, or Bill Maher walking down to the altar next Sunday morning after a heart stirring message.
President Obama: Although I do not want you to win, here is the advice I would offer if I headed a re-election committee: Don’t debate Republicans on your record. In fact, just ignore your record and pray every one else does the same. Instead, turn Republican concerns into problems that do not truly exist.
A good place to start would be this whole mess with the Catholic Church and contraceptives that you stepped in and couldn’t scrape off your shoe. Since most thinking people understand the real issue is First Amendment religious freedom, and not birth control, you must appeal to emotions rather than facts. Transform it into birth control and nothing more.
Keep describing this as a woman’s rights issue. Make sure those involved in a health care/ contraception discussion hear about no position other than the missionary position. Maybe some of those thick headed GOP candidates will take the bait and walk through a door they would have rather left shut. And who knows? As icing on the cake, perhaps some conservative talk show host will also shoot off his big mouth on the subject and you can coast on the fumes of this controversy until November. Since anyone who drives is also coasting on fumes these days, you may as well establish some empathy.
Oh wait! Looks like somebody may have given President Obama similar advice already. Never mind.
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