Originally published by San Diego Rostra, 11-19-10
“We are pleased to announce good news to our customers…” Such was the opening greeting from my credit card company’s automated phone service. I had called in to make an on time payment by having money withdrawn directly from my checking account, a routine experience whenever I estimate that the check in the mail will not arrive on its due date. The voice was feminine. It’s not every day that one hears such a happy, snappy computerized recording. And just what was this terrific news? Now, instead of touch toning numbers to answer the 75 questions required before taking my payment, I get to actually speak into my phone! Supposedly this is some kind of incredible, new convenience. After all, pressing numbers from a keypad is hard work. Besides, by voicing real words to the Master Charge computer, it might feel a little more like a real honest to goodness conversation is happening; Very personable gesture from the company!
Actually, this terrific, breath taking piece of news did not exactly place an ear to ear smile on my face. I ‘d already had less than pleasant experiences talking to machines by phone. One out of two times the stupid computer doesn’t decipher my responses, especially when offering limited one word choices: “If you want to check your balance, please say, ‘Yes. ‘If you do not want to check your balance, say, ‘Other options.'” But Heaven help those who do pick other options, unless your option can be distilled down into one or two mindless words. When an actual sentence is constructed, non sentient entities seem to have a little difficulty with their comprehension.
“I’d like to to speak with a customer service representative.”
“I’m sorry, we were not able to understand your request. Please repeat your request in just a few words.”
“I’d like to to speak with a customer service representative.”
“I’m sorry, we were not able to understand your request. Please repeat your request in just a few words.”
I said, “I’d like to to speak with a customer service representative!”
“I’m sorry, we were not able to understand your request. Please repeat your request in just a few words.”
“I’d like to to speak with a customer service representative!”
“I’m sorry, we were not able to understand your request. Please repeat your request in just a few words.”
“I’D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE!!!!!!!
At this point, the computer gives up and says, “I’m sorry. We were not able to process your request. Please stay on the line, for the next available customer service representative.”
Anyway, this was my memory of the past (one which I’d had difficulty blocking out) and now, happy days were here again! My credit card company had also converted to this incredible new system! (Please don’t write me about how I can pay on line. I hate that even more. I do too many things on line with too many user names and too many passwords. I have zero desire to acquire more.)
And so, taking the plunge once again, I poured out my heart to Annie the Automated, explaining how I simply wanted to make a payment. And she understood me. Yes, she really, truly understood! We were off to a great start! Praise God, who sits upon His Almighty throne from on high! Of course…The computer’s ability to fathom my request also meant that I was about to hear all kinds of information before being allowed to move on to the next step. I was told about how I could pay on line. I was told exactly when the payment would post to my account if I chose to stay on the phone. I was told all kinds of other rules and regulations. I heard advertisements for varying credit card plans. I heard stuff that sounded about as interesting as studying the slow growth of cacti and its relationship to desert terrain. And then, just as it seemed like the three minute message was about to start winding down, I involuntarily said to myself, “Good God!” The computer took this as a new spoken request and proceeded to play the three minute message again from the beginning. I enjoyed it even more the second time.
Eventually, the stewardess type voice was ready to receive my payment information. She asked for an actual check number, which most automated payments do not need. My account number was already on file with this phone system from back in the good old days when my finger did the walking as my keyboard did the talking. But today, they wanted a single check number. My checkbook was in my briefcase. My briefcase was in my car. I walked out to the car and heard Annie dearest invite me to say “More time” if I needed more time. I said it and a whole 15 seconds was granted. Wait! I shouldn’t exaggerate. It was 16 seconds. Then she asked me again if I needed more time. I was in the drive-way by now. Once again, I said “More time,” but she didn’t understand the encore performance. Instead, I was whisked off to an alternative phone option, one that I escaped only by requesting payment information again. Annie understood and I heard the 3 minute pre-payment speech for a third time.”
The story does have a happy ending. Bob’s payment was finally made, but there’s one Tuesday morning he’ll never have back again. What an argument for our time honored postal system which is going out of business. Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for automated progress if it actually works. Snail mail would have posted the payment just as quickly.
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