Originally published in San Diego Rostra: 8-5-10:
So, you think those stimulus bills were a waste of time? Well, that just means you can’t handle a black president and his compassionate, fiscally wise congress.
Listed below, is a sampling of these economy booster shots, courtesy of the Washington Examiner: 11-3-09. My own commentary follows each description.
-$2 million earmarked for swine odor research in Iowa. I think we already knew that pigs stink. I’m not sure if anyone cares why. I do care that $2 million was spent on this “pork.”
– $300,000 for a GPS-equipped helicopter to hunt for radioactive rabbit droppings at the Hanford nuclear reservation in Washington state. Who, other than Elmer Fudd, could possibly care about this one?
– $11 million for Microsoft to build a bridge connecting its two headquarter campuses in Redmond, Wash., which are separated by a highway. Whew! Can you just feel our economy recovering?
– $430,000 to repair a bridge in Iowa County, Wis., that carries 10 or fewer cars per day. In all fairness, maybe they’re hoping a Mercedes will carry some rich man into town to start a new business. Yeah. Sure. That must have been it.
– $800,000 for the John Murtha Airport in Johnstown, Pa., serving about 20 passengers per day, to build a backup runway. Are you trying to figure out how this one helps our economy? Don’t think, son, It hurts the team.
– $219,000 for Syracuse University to study the sex lives of freshmen women. Hmm…Call me a romantic, but aren’t there already enough freshmen males who will volunteer to conduct this study for free?
– $2.3 million for the U.S. Forest Service to rear large numbers of arthropods, including the Asian long horned beetle, the nun moth and the woolly adelgid. I would find it easier to believe that the long horned beetle and nun moth are running both houses of congress these days.
– $3.4 million for a 13-foot tunnel for turtles and other wildlife attempting to cross U.S. 27 in Lake Jackson, Fla. Well that ends the discussion about whether or not America is a discriminating country. Just ask the grateful turtles who were hoping they wouldn’t need an alternate route around U.S. 27.
– $1.15 million to install a guardrail for a persistently dry lake bed in Guymon, Okla. OK. OK. We admit, on the surface, this one does look strange, but remember, if it ever rains and fills up that lake again, these guys are going to be ready! And who knows? Maybe that responsible guard rail will impress God so much, He’ll send them some rain.
– $9.38 million to renovate a century-old train depot in Lancaster County, Pa., that has not been used for three decades. Any objections you party of no Republicans? Not used for three decades, you say? Well, yeah, sure, if you’re gonna bring that up!
– $2.5 million in stimulus checks sent to the deceased. Now that has to be the greatest all time example of money well spent.
– $6 million for a snow-making facility in Duluth, Minn. Am I crazy? Doesn’t it already snow six months out of the year in Minnesota?
– $173,834 to weatherize eight pickup trucks in Madison County, Ill. Yeah. I just lose sleep over pickup trucks being “weatherized.”
– $20,000 for a fish sperm freezer at the Gavins Point National Fish Hatchery in South Dakota. I hope they pay careful attention to this one. I wouldn’t want it to accidentally become a Banquet Frozen Dinner.
– $1.5 million for a fence to block would-be jumpers from leaping off the All-American Bridge in Akron, Ohio. Given the choice between paying the $1.5 million or just letting them…..Ah…Um…Never mind.
– $356,000 for Indiana University to study childhood comprehension of foreign accents compared with native speech. I’ll save you the money. It sounds to the kids like somebody is speaking with an accent.
– $462,000 to purchase 22 concrete toilets for use in the Mark Twain National Forest in Missouri. I hope they have extra concrete to pour in Twain’s grave. I believe the poor guy is turning in it.
– $3.1 million to transform a canal barge into a floating museum that will travel the Erie Canal in New York state. In all fairness, the last time I visited a museum, I was quite upset that it didn’t float.
-The grand daddy of them all: $300 apiece for thousands of signs at road construction sites across the country announcing that the projects are funded by stimulus money. I already love it so much when I have to stop for road construction and I think we already knew that these were our tax dollars hard at work. But alas, learning that this was made especially possible by extra tax dollars truly cheers me up when my trip is interrupted. Only $300 a piece for this incredibly useful information? Sounds like a bargain.
As you can see, our congress could give a flying leap about fixing our economy. Instead they are interested in opening up a grab bag of favors for the lobbyist groups that keep them in power. We the people, of course, are supposed to be too stupid to notice. They’ll find out how stupid we are in November. Hmm. How about $4 million to study the emotional adjustment to new vocations for ex-senators and congressmen?
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