Originally published by San Diego Rostra on 6-26-10

Now men, we sent you to Afghanistan to fight a war and each of you have been issued a gun, however (and this is very important) under no circumstances are you to actually use that gun to fire upon the enemy unless the following conditions are obeyed:

1) If the enemy is in a mosque, you may not fire because that shows disrespect to their incredibly peaceful religion.

2) If the enemy is surrounded by civilians, you may not fire. NOTE: Since these are terrorists and not soldiers, chances are, they will be surrounded by civilians. Heck, many of them may actually be the civilians, but while we are on the subject of terrorists…

3) You are not to refer to them as terrorists.

4) You can only fire at them if they first fire at you. True, that increases the chances of you being dead but that also increases the chances of you successfully obeying our rules of engagement.

5) If possible, try to capture the enemy without shooting them. Since they will still be shooting at you, this may be difficult. Should you succeed in the arrest, read them their Miranda Rights and make sure they realize they are entitled to an attorney. You may also want to mention something about a book deal and a movie contract.

6) Before firing, you must first ask permission. A common phrase that you may remember from basic training is “Father may I?”

7) Once permission is secured, shake hands first and then go to your corners. Male soldiers should then bow and female soldiers should curtsy.

8) Be careful a year from now. That is the day we have announced that we are pulling out and, well, there may just be some extra snipers who have been patiently waiting to return to the battlefield that day.

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