The following is a brief excerpt from a larger book.
For a fuller treatment of this subject as well as a better context, see:
I’d Like To Believe In Jesus But..(The harder, less frequently discussed questions) By Bob Siegel
Published by CSN Books Copyright © 2007 by Bob Siegel All Rights Reserved
Published by Campus Ambassador Press Copyright © 1999 by Bob Siegel All Rights Reserved
This article is not to be reproduced without written permission from the author.
“Why does the Bible call certain practices sinful? For example, why does He call pre-marital sex a sin? This is something which does not seem wrong to me at all and yet Christians condemn it simply because of certain Bible verses. I realize that if the Bible really is the word of God, I would be foolish not to obey it. Still, it would help if once in a while God could explain why something is wrong instead of just saying, ‘Because I said so.’ None of us liked hearing that reason from our parents when we were kids, and it is a lame reason when it comes from God as well.”
I think it is appropriate to ask God questions. True, some of what He reveals is a mystery, but morality seems to be one of the issues of which God has chosen to be abundantly clear. This makes sense since it is in the area of morality and ethics that God will hold us accountable.
I am going to make an outrageous claim. I am convinced that any standard found in the Bible is a standard every person will agree with. Deep inside the human conscience we each affirm the laws of the Bible. We may not all be obeying them, but we all agree with them.
I am prepared to back up my smug claim. But first, we must define the word sin. When the Bible calls something sinful it is referring to selfishness. I do not mean positive self-esteem but rather any personal convenience that comes at somebody else’s expense. Where do I get this definition? From Jesus, in his Sermon on the Mount:
“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. For this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 7:12).
This simple yet profound teaching, (sometimes referred to as the Golden Rule) is intended as a summary of the entire Mosaic Law. Jesus is talking about the Old Testament but in those days they did not yet use the term Old Testament. They used the term Scriptures or Law and the Prophets. Earlier in this very same sermon, Jesus had said:
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law and the Prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them” (Matt. 5:17).
If sin is described in the Bible as the breaking of God’s law (Rom. 6), and if God’s law is summed up as a command to treat people unselfishly, then selfishness is the resulting definition of sin. Once we have defined sin as selfishness, it is much more difficult for people to say that they disagree with the Bible’s standards because in actuality we are talking about only one standard.
The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ (Galatians 5:14, (Apostle Paul referring to another statement of Jesus in which He said the same thing in a different way).2
Few people are going to claim that they object to such a moral imperative. Other religions and even non religious philosophies such as Humanism or Atheism ascribe to the basic notion of treating others with respect. Observe the clear relationship between the Golden Rule and the Ten Commandments: If I really love my neighbor I will not steal from him, I will not sleep around with his wife and of course, I will not kill him.
“Yes, those are obvious examples. But there are other practices condemned in the Bible which don’t seem to have anything to do with selfishness. And this includes the one I already mentioned, pre-marital sex.”
The relationship between Biblically labeled taboos and selfishness is not always immediately apparent. But if we can find the connection we can agree with God’s appraisal of the action. With this in mind, we are now ready to look at the issue of pre-marital sex.
A student once approached my book table at the University of California at San Diego, claiming that the Bible was outdated. He mentioned the listing of certain sexual sins as an example. Certainly he could see the betrayal and dishonesty associated with adultery, but sex outside of marriage was another story. He acknowledged that the Bible labeled premarital sex as a sin (I Cor 7: 1), but expressed bewilderment as to why it was a sin. After I asked him if he at least agreed with Jesus’ Golden Rule he quickly said, “Yes, of course.”
“So we would both agree that we should treat others the way we want to be treated?”
“Sure. But that has nothing to do with sex.”
“Supposing I could show you that it did?” I asked.
“I doubt that you could. Tell me,” he continued, “what’s wrong with having sex with my girlfriend as long as I love her?”
“Nothing,” I said.
The student almost fell over with astonishment. “What?”
“Nothing,” I repeated.
“Nothing?”
“Nope. If you love her, as you say, nothing is wrong with having sex.”
It was clear that he was unprepared for this answer. He had obviously expected me to quote some Bible verses that slammed pre-marital sex.
“Wow. I must admit. You’re more open minded than most Christians I meet.”
“Well, I’m not done yet.”
His cheery disposition melted as he awaited an explanation that would surely show the “fine print.”
I continued. “When you say you love your girlfriend, what do you mean?”
“Huh?”
“What do you mean exactly when you say you love your girlfriend? We both seem to agree to a certain standard here that sex belongs in the context of love. That is fine, but how are you defining love?”
“I don’t know…I love her. That’s all.”
“Is this love just a feeling or does it include a commitment?”
“Well…I’m committed to her.”
“For how long? Are you committed for life? Do you love her unconditionally? Or do you only love her until someone more attractive comes along, or until you grow tired of her or until she displays some weakness that you don’t want to live with? Are you willing to someday leave her, this woman with whom you became so intimate, this person who made herself so vulnerable to you as she expressed her sexuality? Could you someday desert her and devastate her by breaking her heart?”
In only a few short moments this poor student realized that he didn’t love his girlfriend nearly as much as he thought he did. But isn’t it interesting to see that even without a Bible, he did have some standards in relation to sexuality. Sex, apart from love was wrong. This he could understand. This he could relate to.
God is not some celestial killjoy who gets upset when we are having a good time. God is not anti sex. God invented sex. A whole book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, is nothing but a sensuous love sonnet between a man and a woman.4 But God does care about broken hearts. God is interested in the way we treat people. For these reasons He speaks against sex outside of marriage.
“OK,” the student continued. “Supposing I were to decide never to leave her. I will never break up. Then can we have sex?”
“Well,” I responded, “If you are really committed to her for life and vice versa, then we are talking about marriage. That’s what marriage is, so this would not be sex outside of marriage but sex within marriage.”
“Yeah, but what if we wanted to be committed without legally marrying?”
“What would be your reason for that? Is your relationship with her a secret? Are there certain people whom you don’t want to know about it? If you can’t be open about your commitment to her, it isn’t really a commitment. Other women will still feel free to flirt with you and men with her.”
“OK…Well…We don’t have to make it a secret. But, why is a marriage license so important? Isn’t the main thing that we are committed before people and before God? Why is a piece of paper such a big deal?”
“The piece of paper isn’t a big deal. The main thing is being committed before people and before God. So, since you have done that and since the marriage license isn’t a big deal anyway, why not just go ahead and get a marriage license? After all, it is only putting on paper the reality of your situation.”
I wish you could have been there to see the look on his face. Obviously one who is not ready for a marriage license is one who has not truly made a marriage commitment. Perhaps if some couple were stranded on a desert island, committed to each other, they could have sexual relations, provided they truly take a vow before God, promising Him that if they ever get rescued, they will obtain a marriage license immediately. But this student didn’t fall into such a category. He came to realize that we weren’t making wedding rings, pieces of paper or even Bible verses into something sacred in their own right. Instead, we were discussing a God who looks at our hearts and motives and gives us this one command: “As you would have people treat you, treat them.”
Another student once asked me a similar question, but he left out words such as love and commitment, finding them unnecessary. “What is wrong with sleeping around with women?” he asked. “I am not hurting anybody. Maybe our sexual relations are casual. Maybe these women won’t mind me leaving them eventually or having a one-night stand. So, again, what harm is being done?”
Notice how he did agree that sex would be wrong if harm were being done. He just didn’t see the harm. Of course he did find it necessary to make some immediate qualifications. If venereal diseases were transmitted, certainly that would be harm, and if he got a woman pregnant certainly that would say something about the need to associate sex with commitment. But my cheery friend was quite confident that he could have free, safe sex without incurring such results.
“Tell me then, what is wrong with pre-marital sex?”
“Nothing is wrong with the experience itself,” I answered, “God isn’t upset that you enjoy women, but these women may someday be married to husbands who would object to what you did. Can you relate to these men? Let me ask you a question: Supposing you had just been married and on your honeymoon night your wife turned to you and said. ‘Sweetie, I have a confession to make. I slept around with fifty men before I met you’”
He gave a sly grin, “Obviously that would bother me. But come on, fifty men? Isn’t that kind of an exaggeration?”
“OK forty…Feel better now? How about just ten? Just five?”
He finally admitted to me that he would feel bad even if his wife to be had only slept with one man.
“So what are you saying here?” he complained, “Am I not supposed to get married to a woman who has a past? I thought the Gospel was about forgiveness.”
“Of course it’s about forgiveness,” I said, “And we all have a past. But you weren’t asking me about forgiving a violation of the standard. You were simply asking if the standard exists. And it certainly does. We both agree that we should treat others the way we want to be treated. Sleeping around with women, even women who say they are uninterested in a commitment from you is unfair to the way their future husbands may feel, for you are not showing those future husbands the respect you would have wanted your wife’s previous suitors to show you. Therefore, Jesus’ Golden Rule applies again.”
A third challenge came from the hardest nut to crack. Asking him a similar question, I received a completely different answer. “Honestly?” he said, “I would not care if my wife had slept with fifty men or a hundred men before she met me.”
I wasn’t sure I believed him. I wasn’t sure if he had ever truly fallen in love and experienced that small emotion called jealousy. Still, I took him at his word and went on.
“But whether or not it bothers you, future husbands of the women you sleep around with may be bothered.”
“That’s their problem!” he snapped.
“No, that’s your problem if you are going to take Jesus’ words seriously, ‘As you would have people treat you, treat them.’ You should respect their feelings, and they in turn should respect yours even when you feel differently about things.”
Conclusion: God did not arbitrarily make up standards out of some desire to make our lives miserable. God wants what is best for us and if we are made in His image, we in turn must want what is best for those around us.
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