Why
Does The Bible Call
Pre-Marital Sex A Sin?
“Why does the Bible
call certain practices sinful? For example, why does He call
pre-marital sex a sin? This is something which does not seem
wrong to me at all and yet Christians condemn it simply because of
certain Bible verses. I realize that if the Bible really is the
word of God, I would be foolish not to obey it. Still, it would
help if once in a while God could explain why something is wrong
instead of just saying, ‘Because I said so.’ None of
us liked hearing that reason from our parents when we were kids, and it
is a lame reason when it comes from God as well.”
I think it is appropriate to ask God questions. True, some of
what He reveals is a mystery, but morality seems to be one of the
issues of which God has chosen to be abundantly clear. This makes
sense since it is in the area of morality and ethics that God will hold
us accountable.
I am going to make an outrageous claim. I am convinced that any
standard found in the Bible is a standard every person will agree
with. Deep inside the human conscience we each affirm the laws of
the Bible. We may not all be obeying them, but we all agree with
them.
I am prepared to back up my smug claim. But first, we must define
the word sin. When the Bible calls something sinful it is
referring to selfishness. I do not mean positive self-esteem but
rather any personal convenience that comes at somebody else’s
expense. Where do I get this definition? From Jesus, in his
Sermon on the Mount:
“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to
you. For this sums up the Law and the Prophets”
(Matt. 7:12).
This simple yet profound teaching, (sometimes referred to as the Golden
Rule) is intended as a summary of the entire Mosaic Law. Jesus is
talking about the Old Testament but in those days they did not yet use
the term Old Testament. They used the term Scriptures or Law and
the Prophets. Earlier in this very same sermon, Jesus had said:
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law and the
Prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill
them” (Matt. 5:17).
If sin is described in the Bible as the breaking of God’s
law (Rom. 6), and if God’s law is summed up as a command to treat
people unselfishly, then selfishness is the resulting definition of
sin. Once we have defined sin as selfishness, it is much more
difficult for people to say that they disagree with the Bible’s
standards because in actuality we are talking about only one standard.
The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your
neighbor as yourself’ (Galatians 5:14, (Apostle Paul referring to
another statement of Jesus in which He said the same thing in a
different way).2
Few people are going to claim that they object to such a moral
imperative. Other religions and even non religious philosophies
such as Humanism or Atheism ascribe to the basic notion of treating
others with respect. Observe the clear relationship between the
Golden Rule and the Ten Commandments: If I really love my
neighbor I will not steal from him, I will not sleep around with his
wife and of course, I will not kill him.
“Yes, those
are obvious examples. But there are other practices condemned in
the Bible which don’t seem to have anything to do with
selfishness. And this includes the one I already mentioned, pre-marital
sex.”
The relationship between Biblically labeled taboos and
selfishness is not always immediately apparent. But if we can
find the connection we can agree with God’s appraisal of the
action. With this in mind, we are now ready to look at the issue of
pre-marital sex.
A student once approached my book table at the University of
California at San Diego, claiming that the Bible was outdated. He
mentioned the listing of certain sexual sins as an example.
Certainly he could see the betrayal and dishonesty associated with
adultery, but sex outside of marriage was another story. He
acknowledged that the Bible labeled premarital sex as a sin (I Cor 7:
1), but expressed bewilderment as to why it was a sin. After I
asked him if he at least agreed with Jesus’ Golden Rule he
quickly said, “Yes, of course.”
“So we would both agree that we should treat others the way
we want to be treated?”
“Sure. But that has nothing to do with sex.”
“Supposing I could show you that it did?” I asked.
“I doubt that you could. Tell me,” he
continued, “what’s wrong with having sex with my girlfriend
as long as I love her?”
“Nothing,” I said.
The student almost fell over with astonishment.
“What?”
“Nothing,” I repeated.
“Nothing?”
“Nope. If you love her, as you say, nothing is wrong
with having sex.”
It was clear that he was unprepared for this answer. He had
obviously expected me to quote some Bible verses that slammed
pre-marital sex.
“Wow. I must admit. You’re more open
minded than most Christians I meet.”
“Well, I’m not done yet.”
His cheery disposition melted as he awaited an explanation that
would surely show the “fine print.”
I continued. “When you say you love your girlfriend,
what do you mean?”
“Huh?”
“What do you mean exactly when you say you love your
girlfriend? We both seem to agree to a certain standard here that
sex belongs in the context of love. That is fine, but how are you
defining love?”
“I don’t know…I love her. That’s
all.”
“Is this love just a feeling or does it include a
commitment?”
“Well…I’m committed to her.”
“For how long? Are you committed for life? Do you
love her unconditionally? Or do you only love her until someone
more attractive comes along, or until you grow tired of her or until
she displays some weakness that you don’t want to live
with? Are you willing to someday leave her, this woman with whom
you became so intimate, this person who made herself so vulnerable to
you as she expressed her sexuality? Could you someday desert her
and devastate her by breaking her heart?”
In only a few short moments this poor student realized that he
didn’t love his girlfriend nearly as much as he thought he
did. But isn’t it interesting to see that even without a
Bible, he did have some standards in relation to sexuality. Sex,
apart from love was wrong. This he could understand. This
he could relate to.
God is not some celestial killjoy who gets upset when we are
having a good time. God is not anti sex. God invented
sex. A whole book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, is nothing but a
sensuous love sonnet between a man and a woman.4 But God does
care about broken hearts. God is interested in the way we treat
people. For these reasons He speaks against sex outside of
marriage.
“OK,” the student continued. “Supposing I
were to decide never to leave her. I will never break up.
Then can we have sex?”
“Well,” I responded, “If you are really
committed to her for life and vice versa, then we are talking about
marriage. That’s what marriage is, so this would not be sex
outside of marriage but sex within marriage.”
“Yeah, but what if we wanted to be committed without
legally marrying?”
“What would be your reason for that? Is your
relationship with her a secret? Are there certain people whom you
don’t want to know about it? If you can’t be open
about your commitment to her, it isn’t really a commitment.
Other women will still feel free to flirt with you and men with
her.”
“OK…Well…We don’t have to make it a
secret. But, why is a marriage license so important?
Isn’t the main thing that we are committed before people and
before God? Why is a piece of paper such a big deal?”
“The piece of paper isn’t a big deal. The main
thing is being committed before people and before God. So, since
you have done that and since the marriage license isn’t a big
deal anyway, why not just go ahead and get a marriage license?
After all, it is only putting on paper the reality of your
situation.”
I wish you could have been there to see the look on his
face. Obviously one who is not ready for a marriage license is
one who has not truly made a marriage commitment. Perhaps if some
couple were stranded on a desert island, committed to each other, they
could have sexual relations, provided they truly take a vow before God,
promising Him that if they ever get rescued, they will obtain a
marriage license immediately. But this student didn’t fall
into such a category. He came to realize that we weren’t
making wedding rings, pieces of paper or even Bible verses into
something sacred in their own right. Instead, we were discussing
a God who looks at our hearts and motives and gives us this one
command: “As you would have people treat you, treat them.”
Another student once asked me a similar question, but he left out
words such as love and commitment, finding them unnecessary.
“What is wrong with sleeping around with women?” he
asked. “I am not hurting anybody. Maybe our sexual
relations are casual. Maybe these women won’t mind me
leaving them eventually or having a one-night stand. So, again,
what harm is being done?”
Notice how he did agree that sex would be wrong if harm were being
done. He just didn’t see the harm. Of course he did
find it necessary to make some immediate qualifications. If
venereal diseases were transmitted, certainly that would be harm, and
if he got a woman pregnant certainly that would say something about the
need to associate sex with commitment. But my cheery friend was
quite confident that he could have free, safe sex without incurring
such results.
“Tell me then, what is wrong with pre-marital sex?”
“Nothing is wrong with the experience itself,” I answered,
“God isn’t upset that you enjoy women, but these women may
someday be married to husbands who would object to what you did.
Can you relate to these men? Let me ask you a question: Supposing
you had just been married and on your honeymoon night your wife turned
to you and said. ‘Sweetie, I have a confession to
make. I slept around with fifty men before I met you’”
He gave a sly grin, “Obviously that would bother me. But
come on, fifty men? Isn’t that kind of an exaggeration?”
“OK forty…Feel better now? How about just ten? Just
five?”
He finally admitted to me that he would feel bad even if his wife to be
had only slept with one man.
“So what are you saying here?” he complained, “Am I
not supposed to get married to a woman who has a past? I thought
the Gospel was about forgiveness.”
“Of course it’s about forgiveness,” I said,
“And we all have a past. But you weren’t asking me
about forgiving a violation of the standard. You were simply
asking if the standard exists. And it certainly does. We
both agree that we should treat others the way we want to be
treated. Sleeping around with women, even women who say they are
uninterested in a commitment from you is unfair to the way their future
husbands may feel, for you are not showing those future husbands the
respect you would have wanted your wife’s previous suitors to
show you. Therefore, Jesus’ Golden Rule applies
again.”
A third challenge came from the hardest nut to crack. Asking him
a similar question, I received a completely different answer.
“Honestly?” he said, “I would not care if my wife had
slept with fifty men or a hundred men before she met me.”
I wasn’t sure I believed him. I wasn’t sure if he had
ever truly fallen in love and experienced that small emotion called
jealousy. Still, I took him at his word and went on.
“But whether or not it bothers you, future husbands of the women
you sleep around with may be bothered.”
“That’s their problem!” he snapped.
“No, that’s your problem if you are going to take
Jesus’ words seriously, ‘As you would have people treat
you, treat them.’ You should respect their feelings, and they in
turn should respect yours even when you feel differently about
things.”
Conclusion:
God did not arbitrarily make up standards out of some desire to make
our lives miserable. God wants what is best for us and if we are made
in His image, we in turn must want what is best for those around us.
More Questions
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Have your own question?
questions@bobsiegel.net
The following
is a brief excerpt from a larger book.
For a fuller treatment of this subject as well as a better context, see:
I’d
Like To Believe
In Jesus, But…
(The harder, less frequently discussed questions)
By Bob Siegel
Published by CSN Books
Copyright © 2007 by Bob Siegel
All Rights Reserved
Published by
Campus Ambassador Press
Copyright © 1999 by Bob Siegel
All Rights Reserved
This article is not to be reproduced without written permission from
the author. |
